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Don't try and calm yourself with anything like this. Acknowledge the feeling of hurt and anger each time it comes up and watch it pass.

Don't: avoid the feeling so that it chases you around. That extends the pain. This wouldn't bother me as much as my husband choosing to do a romantic slow dance with someone else.

Freaking might involve bumping and grinding but there's no soulful eye contact and nuzzling. Maybe you and your wife should go clubbing.

I was just about to comment that I think it's odd that there is no mention in the question, or in the relayed conversations of how much, if any, alcohol was consumed.

I think this would factor in to both your response, OP, and to your wife's feelings about her actions that evening. Dancing isn't cheating.

Get over yourself and apologize to her. Take a bunch of horny single young people, a bunch of middle-aged people wanting to cut loose and feel young and wild again, introduce copious amounts of at least one drug that removes inhibitions, have lots of disorienting lights and overwhelming dance music, and stir.

Assuming that you have an otherwise closed marriage, I'd say it's definitely questionable judgement on your wife's part, but not something to end a marriage over.

I tend to be in open relationships where I can go way further but that level of contact with people is still something that I'd include in negotiation of boundaries rather than something that just happens.

Communication, whether in a monogamous or poly relationship, is key. One thing I suggest is that you be sure not to get into a tit for tat over it that is to say don't use it as an excuse to step outside of boundaries in revenge.

And it seems like a pretty big deal to you in ways she doesn't understand, so forgive her and move on - don't leave it dangling in a way that she has to worry about it being thrown in her face.

I can really see both sides. You're not crazy to get jealous or concerned as the story unfolded; on the other hand I'm a REALLY conservative married dude who wound up in a club with some business associates on a trip and had one of those said associates female kind of drag me out on the floor which was fine and I think my wife would be cool with that and then commenced to turning her back to me and rubbing her butt in the general direction of my crotch.

I did NOT think my wife would be cool with this, so I'm sure the ensuing scene seemed to her like one of reluctance and regret. In fact, I probably came off as somewhat of a square because I didn't stay out there long.

I'm okay with that, but a lot of people have trouble with it. But my point is - I don't think this is considered bizarre behavior at a club these days.

I think the decisions about what you're going to mutually allow have to be made before you get in there, because inhibitions tend to dissolve in both alcohol and sexual arousal.

I agree with those who say you can't say ahead of time that it's fine; take off, then interrogate after the fact. Odds are your behavior wouldn't have been much different.

To answer your question, no, I don't consider this cheating at all. Not even close. And I'm a mids mom who never sets foot in a nightclub of any kind these days.

Though when I was younger, and did go to clubs, this was very typical behaviour for me to witness. However, if I were your wife, I would pretty pissed at the third degree you've been giving her.

This is such a tough question because as is evident from the wide range of opinions expressed here there is no definitive answer that is more right or wrong than any other.

This question touched a nerve with me because I can think of a few times in my life where I have given whichever partner I was with at the time the same kind of aggressive cross-examination described in your question and though it rarely ended well usually involving tears and a big-ass fight I always felt like I held the morally correct position since I was just defending the sanctity of the relationship, while whoever I was with had obviously made some clear transgression in my mind at least.

Reading this question has proven to be incredibly, uncomfortably eye opening to me, in not exactly the most flattering way, as to how I probably came off in those scenarios, and let's just say it is not a part of my personality of which I am most proud.

I can't say I would be pleased to discover that my wife had spent an evening engaging in the type of behavior described in your question, but I've also learned for the sake of my own sanity that if I trust my wife not to cheat on me which I do , I don't necessarily need a running play by play of every moment she spends away from me especially "GNO's".

There is definitely some truth behind the "If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question" cliche. While I don't necessarily buy the "This is just what happens in clubs these days" justification for your wife's behavior, at the same time I do kind of sympathize with her.

As a married person, what exactly is she supposed to do in this situation? Just sit bored in a chair by herself while her friends dance so as to avoid any possible appearance of impropriety?

Give a long lecture to any guy who approaches her on the dance floor as to her marital status and exactly what behavior will be considered appropriate while dancing in the viscninity of one another?

I think it is most likely the case that she was simply wanting to participate in the night's activities along with her friends without being a drag and got a little carried away.

From the perspective of an outside third party with no emotional attachment here, yes, I think you are taking this a little too seriously since your reaction seems more severe than the transgression deserves.

But I know that is easy to say when one is distanced from the situation. I don't think dwelling on the details of one drunken night where no actual cheating, in the classic sense, occurred is going to be of any benefit though.

Nor is it 'classic' cheating, though this: " Her friend pulled her away from the guy It's pretty damned obvious that there is a massive gulf between a dancing with a stranger and b dancing while willingly rubbing yourself against the sexually aroused junk of a stranger, for a prolonged period of time.

You owe your wife no apology; you haven't been the one willingly messing with other people's junk. If anything, the apology should come to you, though pushing for that that may be counterproductive at this point.

You do owe it to your relationship, whether it will last the course, to have a frank chat about where the line is, what may or will happen again in the future.

If you feel you still can't trust your wife in this kind of situation after this, then you may need a plan relationship, money, legal for if this happens again, or you suspect it has happened again.

But above all, you really do need to have the long talk, with as little retribution as possible on either side. You may need to bite your tongue here.

Possibly counselled, or mediated, if that would help. It kinda seems that, otherwise, this issue won't go away now, will fester, on either side.

You're not wrong to consider it cheating. Your wife's not wrong to have considered it acceptable. You were wrong in assuming your wife should have magically known your feelings on the matter.

You rectified that by telling her and asking her not to do it again. That's really all you can ask for from this particular situation.

As nadawi has said, however, it's worth having a conversation about how each of you defines monogamy and cheating, so that you can both avoid these situations more successfully in the future.

Understand the feeling by going inward. It is probably unique to you. Once you understand it, you can defuse it.

Example: For me, what would underlie jealousy would be a "do you think I'm old and frumpy? I could defuse that by thinking of "dignified" versions of middle age and reminding myself why those fit me better.

See what I mean about how individual this might be? The dancing itself might or might not seriously worry me, and might even be something I officially wish hadn't happened, but I definitely wouldn't consider it to be all the way to "cheating," and doubly not since you never discussed this.

Whether it worried me would depend what it meant to my partner. If it was "I did something stupid but fun at a party," it wouldn't bother me after I got over my initial surprise.

If I thought he really wanted it to lead to more as opposed to there being a "do not cross" line where he'd want to stop then I'd worry about whether he was losing interest in our relationship or might "slip" in the future.

But it sounds like it really meant nothing to your wife, so perhaps-- 1a. Focus on the fact that this sexy woman chose you and keeps coming home to you.

You don't have to compete with anonymous club men. She chose you to build a life with, and unless you think her commitment is in question, this means nothing in the big scheme of things.

Treasure her and shrug off the small stuff. And when you do have a conversation with her about monogamy, keep it focused exclusively on the future.

Speak in hypotheticals. Look at the conversation as a way of setting expectations for the future, not as a way of judging the past. I would consider this cheating.

It would create a fracture in my marriage that I am not sure could be repaired without a lot of couples therapy. I don't consider myself conservative and I'm a mom of the same age and all that.

I think there's a big difference between what single people do at clubs and what married people who have not agreed to this with their spouses do at clubs.

It sounds like your wife went beyond the typical bump and grind even. What you do about it is up to you. But I don't think a bunch of strangers telling you it is or isn't cheating will help.

What you need to do is acknowledge the effect this has had on your marriage and your trust and figure out a plan for moving forward. The label has nothing to do with it.

There's a huge difference between society's desire to police women's behavior and sexuality problematic! Some of the anger here directed at your desire to know in detail what happened makes sense in the former case society and its bizarre views of female sexuality but is really just weird in the context of a relationship, where it is explicitly each others business how your sexuality is expressed.

This doesn't mean there can't be double standards, sexism, religious issues, class issues, and other weirdness that makes the discussion difficult or problematic, or one side or the other a total jerk.

But it really is something that is on the table for discussion, even in-depth, detailed, and uncomfortable discussion. You're allowed to be stunned by your partner's behavior and prioritize your need for understanding over their desire to not have to deal with your pain.

It's not a good long-term strategy for maintaining a healthy relationship, but everyone's human, and poor reactions to situations outside of our comfort zone is the typical experience, not an aberration.

Dance is a sexual thing, or can be a sexual thing, and it's disingenuous or oblivious to act surprised at this. It seems silly to be upset at someone dancing the waltz with your SO, but it is not objectively silly.

It's silly because as a society, we have moved the goalposts. A lot of that goalpost moving has, along the way, been validating to female sexuality and agency.

This is a good thing in my opinion, but those things--sexuality and agency--are precisely part of what is restricted and negotiated in a monogamous relationship.

Jaguar has some really good advice about working towards an understanding going forward rather than dwelling on the past.

This is an interesting question and a lot of really interesting answers. To give a short ish answer, I personally am not a fan of explicitly sexual dancing with random partners.

It doesn't suit my personality, it doesn't suit my personal philosophy and it isn't something I would do whilst in a monogamous relationship with someone else.

However, as you see by the responses above, a lot of people see it differently, and this is well within the broader cultural norms and something you guys should probably discuss more in-depth.

This last point, however, frankly doesn't speak very highly of YOU. She shouldn't be nervous to talk to her own husband about something she does not personally feel guilty for.

And then there's the fact that you call your inquisitions "nonchalant. See, I would be disturbed and upset by this kind of behavior from my partner as well, but I would certainly not call my questioning nonchalant: I would call it "jealous, angry and insecure" and I would own it, which I don't see happening it that conversation.

Which brings me to: If your wife's behavior made you uncomfortable and I happen to think that's pretty natural then your response should be to tell her that it made you jealous and uncomfortable - not grill her or accuse her of ulterior motives.

I mean, as someone who is quite conservative and restrained on the monogamy scale, I still see "night of dirty dancing at bachelorette party" as fairly low on the scale of trust-violations.

It's there, absolutely, but it's low on the scale. It looks like you've done this since and she's agreed not to do it anymore, which is good.

As far as how to get over it - get closer to your wife. Understand her better. Understand what she enjoys, how she feels about her life right now someone above who went off on the side-note of "boring mom life" is someone you should really be listening to carefully, btw and where she stands on this type of question and why So you enjoyed it.

So how long were you doing this That doesn't read "loving husband" that reads "controlling daddy-figure. Get closer to your wife. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

If you guys truly do have a good relationship, getting closer will resolve the issue better than time will.

And I think you'll be just fine. It seems clear to me that there's not going to be a consensus on this -- it's a matter of individual opinion. What is comes down to is this: you and your wife have different standards for what constitutes acceptably-monogamous behavior, and the two of you should sit down and have a talk where you figure out where each of you are coming from and come up with some common rules that you can both agree on and that don't make either of you feel either uncomfortable or excessively controlled.

Neither of you is necessarily in the wrong here -- reasonable people could consider her behavior either totally unacceptable or totally normal. The two of you need to work this out as a couple.

I would consider this mutual masterbation in public. That's not what I would want from a spouse and parent of my children. I'm not married, and I recently came out of a relationship where this kind of questioning was really common and very painful.

I just want to say, if you trust her, you trust that she knows what to do with her body and with whom. If she did some freaking and dancing with other men, it was probably because she trusted herself and she felt like it was an ok thing to do with her body.

She didn't think that her actions in any way would jeopardize her loving relationship and happy family, and she likely enjoyed the novel experience of feeling sexy on the dance floor - and that has nothing to do with you.

In my opinion, the only thing that should have been of interest to you was whether or not she had a fun time. Or do you think she isn't capable of making the best decisions, and needs your imput?

You don't get to make decisions about what she does with her body. You just get to say what you prefer her to do or not, but you can't control what she does.

Also, I can't tell the context of your relationship by what you wrote, but if your relationship is pretty solid, she didn't tell you about the dancing details because they were unimportant.

If this kind of questionning and jealously happens frequently, then she didn't tell you about the details because they were unimportant and because she knew you would react badly.

What does it make you feel insecure about? That's why you feel bad. Jealousy is a form of control - what are you trying to control? Also, you should take her out dancing and freak her.

Or do some other exciting things. In my personal opinion, not in the least, although I probably wouldn't like my partner to do it that's different!

I suspect so. Going with everybody else in saying your boundaries are what you mutually agree on, and this ranges wildly with different couples.

A major problem here is that you've been together 10 years and you apparently haven't agreed on boundaries.

This would be the time to do this. Maybe I'm reading too much into his, but I'm guessing your wife knew you'd be upset and just went ahead and did it anyway.

Because it seems a lot like she tried to hide it. I'd say that's a pretty serious relationship problem. Your boundaries as a couple are yours, and it's not for anyone else to tell you they're wrong.

Edit: Seconding everything Wordshore said better above. A lot of people seem to be pushing you to be more angry and less understanding of your wife-- which unless you want to go on break or have a divorce, seems like a bad idea.

There are many many people who fall into the "mainstream," vanilla category for whom this would not be cheating.

This is not "poor judgment," it is a case of your wife having a different understanding of cheating from you.

You should talk about this with her; you should probably not make it a question of "differing values," which I think in this situation would sound very condescending and judgmental.

There is no better way to make her feel like shit about this than to tell her she has such-and-such kind of "values," probably, because it will make it sound like you look down on her and her supposed values.

The people above who are saying they'd think less of her after this are entitled to their opinion, but as a woman, I would think less of someone who thought less of me because I had different opinions about sexuality and cheating than them and didn't respect my thoughts or feelings or trust me.

To me that comes off as very pinched and is so undergirded by society's sexism toward women that if my partner didn't want to hear my side, I would feel totally steamrolled.

Personally, I would look at this kind of thing like porn as nadawi suggested. If my boyfriend watches porn, I'm not happy about it-- if I dwell on it, I can get upset-- but ultimately I don't think it's cheating or crossing a line.

I watch porn too, but there are still jealous feelings. IMO it's a healthy way of acknowledging that strangers are sexually attractive without cheating e.

I can feel it in my gut. I think your wife probably feels the same. I'm not saying this to tell you you need to drive your wife to the club every Saturday night and be her DD Sunday morning.

I'm just saying that her POV is valid, she's not lying to you, she's not deceiving you, she wants to understand how you feel and respect your feelings.

You're very lucky! People on MeFi can speculate all day and share their personal understandings of cheating but it makes no difference , this is totally between you and your wife, if you think it's cheating tell her so, and she sounds like she'll listen.

I doubt this situation will come up very often in the future anyway! I mean, if you divorced over this issue as some say above that they would , in the end you'd have no loving wife and the approval of a few internet strangers.

Talking it through with her is much more important. If she did some freaking and dancing with other men, it was probably because she trusted herself.

She didn't think that her actions in any way would jeopardize her loving relationship and happy family People make a lot of questionable calls when intoxicated.

I just wanted to say that I've been in this situation before and it's not necessarily true that she went out to sneak-dry-hump with a bunch of guys and didn't want to tell you because she thought it was cheating drunk or no.

I mean, when you go in the other room to watch porn, do you come out and say, "ah, honey, just got done jacking it to three hot college girls having a threeway for the first time!

Anyway, how are the kids? Forget about it and learn to laugh it off, quickly. Jealously loves attention like this question and your interrogation of your wife Ignore it.

Cheating is breaking the rules. Did this break a rule? Had you ever said "you can't do this" don't replace discussions with assumptions.

If you never made any rules about it, it's hard to claim she broke them. If you feel bad about it you have a right to feel bad.

You don't have a right to try and get her to feel as bad as you do. Totally normal. If someone said "I was out at a club dancing all night" this would be an expected possibility.

Sure it does. I'd be quite upset in your shoes. But, there's not much you can do to make it go away. It will take time, is all. A sincere apology and a promise not to do it again is really all she can do.

She can't undo it. From what you have said, I think you should put more weight on the 10 good years of marriage than this one deviant episode.

If you believe her, you need to let go of this, at least outwardly. Take a while to nurse your hurt feelings, maybe unload to a friend, but don't keep pestering her about it or bringing it up with her.

Not saying you are, but I bet there is the desire to do so. Well, it's kind of cheating, but much easier to forgive than some other kinds.

I think you'd notice the difference if she'd been making out or having sex with some guy she works with. But survey says it's pretty normal.

Sorry to comment again, but if it helps you with your jealousy, I have more of an emotional attachment to my favorite porn videos than any guy I've ever danced with at a club.

I think most women who are in relationships and still go to clubs with their friends choose a dance partner with a view toward 1 wanting someone who is good at dancing, who matches their groove and 2 seeing this person for the next minutes max.

As a woman, at least, when I go out I'm honestly just looking for a dance partner the way you'd look for a waltz or square dance partner-- someone who's good and who you can have fun with.

There is an overtly sexual component of course, but I've felt more attracted to people I've contradanced with handsome, intense eye contact, oh my than many people I've "freak danced" with.

Besides porn, there is the example of strip clubs. That these are traditionally activities associated with men is not that surprising, but my point is that it's hard to draw a bright universal line around anything and call it definitively cheating without having a discussion first.

If it is cheating, it's about a 1. Flag it and move on. Reassess if anything more serious occurs. However, I haven't told my wife about it and if I did and she thought that the first or second were cheating I'd never do it again.

So I think that's the opportunity here. Some men liken sex to pizza: Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. Those dudes are what I like to call "wrong.

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Should I be worried.? Adding someone elsewas a subject a few months back. She said maybe before our first born. She having second thoughts.?

The thrill you're getting is because you know that she's yours. You're not questioning it. You see how everybody else on the floor wants her but you're the one who gets to take her home every time.

It makes you the dominant man in your own mind. It's a good thing that you two can have that kind of relationship but you might want to tell her to be careful about it.

There's some crazy f-ers out there and they might not take her rejection so well. As far as the third partner thing, that's your business but it is not the same thing I'm pretty sure.

If the thought of having someone else in with you gets you hard then go crazy, but I don't think that the two reasons are connected.

I had an ex girlfriend that I enjoyed going out with and watching men try to pick her up. They would buy her drinks, dance, etc. I loved watching men drool over her all night only to watch her walk out with me.

She would get turned on flirting and enjoying herself and i would get turned on watching her and knowing how bad those guys wanted her. As long as you are both into it it can be a lot of fun and good for your sex life.

My ex and I understood that kissing or rude touching was simply not accepted. She would tell the guy to take a walk if he did anything rude.

As far as including someone else, remember that there is NO going back on that. Even if she says she only wants to include a woman chances are the day will come when she wants to include a man.

If you know in your heart that you could not live with the image of your partner having sex with someone else then you are asking for pain and heartache.

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